I’ve heard of lucky pants, but I’ve never seemed to have any of those in my closet. But I will say I do have one very frustrating pair of pants.
They were the pants that at first glance, I knew I had to have. They were a retro wash–with cool pockets and a killer fit–if you got them in the correct size. They were out of my price range but too awesome to pass up. So the staff at Nordstrom painstakingly watched as I tried on every pair in my size, the size above, and the size below. None of them actually ‘fit,’ so I went with the tightest pair I could fit my butt in, assuring myself that they would ‘stretch.’
These are the only pair of Seven for All Mankinds’ that won’t stretch two people’s widths by the end of the day. Unlucky assumption, I assume. And the gathered lines beneath each butt cheek couldn’t persuade me otherwise.
Well, I began to wear these pants that I had glorified would last me for seasons and noticed bruises on my hip bones. They were so tight I was unable to sit properly for fear that they would castrate certain parts of my lower hemisphere. Yes, I did ‘unzip’ as discreetly as I could at dinner engagements, though the zipper flew down like a rock star as soon as I undid the button). I had the genius idea to have a tailor add in two inches of fabric at the waist (never do this..it does alter the shape of the pant…and it means that everything else is super tight and now your bottom shows when you sit because the waist is baggy). The designer label in these pants was now ‘split’ in two.
And then the zipper broke. Funny thing- when your pants are too tight, the zipper will not go up as easily as it will go down. This incident strategically happened at a football game. The near impossibility of closing my pants with a zipper meant that without one, I was a loose canon.
As I bent down yesterday, they ripped. This is not the first time I’ve had pants on that decide to unseam themselves inappropriately. The first time this happened was miraculous–an almost complete horse shoe from one inner leg seam to the other.
It’s time to let this investment be what it was–a sorry excuse for denim leggings.
R.I.P. Forsaken Pants