Instant Tan


At about one month out, I figured it was safe to experiment with ways to get a ‘healthy glow.’ And though I haven’t shared this conquest with Bryan, I would be pretty shocked if he couldn’t smell the experiment within seconds from walking into my door.

I’ve been badgered to buy lotions, gels, and preparatory products for the all new Versa tanning system. It’s basically a glorified mystic tan. Free of harmful rays and all about making you bronze, fast. I am given instructions about four different ‘positions’ I am to resume when prompted, all of them sounding completely ridiculous when robotically doing them in the nude. I ask about my hair and they give me a shower cap, I ask about my eyes and they have goggles. A swift misunderstanding nearly led me to coat my entire body in the lotion to be used on your hands that fends off the product. Boy, that would have been a great flush of money.
I did however, forget to ask about one thing– my mouth. In some kind of scene right out of a bad movie, I managed to take a massive inhale about the moment the spa spray went over the front of my face. Are you serious? I realized the odds of this being pretty low since it literally only goes over my face one time for about three seconds. Apart from my asthmatic reactions and difficult breathing for the last few hours because the stuff is still coated on my lungs, I have had a pounding headache. I smell like charred nastiness since you are supposed to leave it on for six hours–another disabling feature of my plan, since I have been sneaking around trying to keep people from knowing the truth about my ‘glow.’
It’s been four hours and all I can say is my teeth whiteners seem to be working, which means I must be looking semi-Mexican already. I’m going to get some Advil.

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