I think it’s safe to say that since my wedding is officially in the past, the nightmares I’ve had about my wedding day since childhood are irrelevant to my thoughts these days. But just in case you ever experience bridal bliss and need a reality check about what all can happen (at least in my fantastical mind), here it is…
The Top 10 Things I was Terrified Would Happen at/to my wedding:
1. There would be three of us. Now, I don’t mean God, myself, and my husband…I literally mean three of us. What if you got engaged and suddenly were with child? Would people believe your love was real?! Again, anyone who knows me and knows that this feat was impossible (though still feel nauseated about the hot tub theory). Even still, I was so psycho I would count down the months to my wedding as months I would have been pregnant by my wedding date. Thankfully, when I was one month out, this was much less of a hazard.
2. There would be three of us. This time, I mean a full-fledged man running it at just the right time to proclaim his love to me mid-ceremony in front of all of my family and friends. This fear actually holds weight considering my bizarre history of star-crossed lovers and those that I would absolutely turn over in my grave if I saw and remembered how stupid I was for going to dinner with them. No, those songs don’t make me think of you anymore, I’m sorry.
3. I would get the 24 hour flu. You try getting through a Catholic ceremony while standing in Louboutins all corseted up in Spanx and not letting one slip if you had the worst stomachache of your life. And really, is there anything you can do to prevent this?
4. I would ignite myself with the Unity Candle. Fire and Fear aren’t a good mix, and I think it’s fair to say that both of those factors combined during an intimate and reverent setting can lead to trouble. Nightmare #4 is why I wore my hair back.
5. I would see a random guest before processing down the aisle. This one is stupid, but it freaked me out to the core. If I had had any late-coming guests standing behind me waiting for their seats before my father walked me down the aisle, I would have punched them in the juggernaut. The last guy I wanted to see was my father, not my father’s accountant.
6. I would trip and loose a chick-let. With the strapless/low-back combination, you have to get really crafty in terms of shading your chest from the rest of the congregation. I opted for siliconic and very expensive items that resembled raw chicken breasts. I just knew that my heel would catch some lace, rendez-vous with the marble floors, and my gig would be up. I hoped that at the very least this would occur at the reception site, where it would actually have been feasible for their to be food on the floor.
7. I would have taken one-risk too many. Meaning, before the most significant event in my life to date, I decided to ‘experiment’ way too much. And though I almost achieved this fear (a waxing of the underarms, etc led to an anthill-like armpit and a swagger that resembled a very muscular man), the grace of God let me off the hook. My eyebrows were still on, PTL.
8. I would be the fatty bride. Everyone kept saying “remember to eat on your wedding day…you’ll be so nervous you’ll forget!” Ya well, what if you’re so hyperconscious you hyper-ingest and can’t zip your dress. Some people starve when stressed, some of us stuff.
9. You would find out he had already been married (to your surprise) or had about 120k of ‘secret debt.’
10. Someone would call me a skank or something that insinuated I wasn’t beautiful. Since I did go bare-shouldered (probably thanks to my fathers insistence that he would ‘drop-trou’ if I couldn’t), I was expecting a few generations back to take a jab at me. I also had fears that people would say I look ‘nice’ or ‘wow..’ or other things that mean ‘ugh’ in a wedding setting. What if you really didn’t look and feel the most beautiful you’ve ever felt on your wedding day? hmmmm…