The Housecleaners

I’m at the point most women consider “rock bottom” domestically. I find myself outsourcing more and more meals to the local market, and have refused (until now) to do the same for cleaning the house. I’ve spent five hours every other Saturday bruising my knees, bleaching my hands, and causing an allergic ruckus in my head on account of “house cleaning.” Five hours. Crazy, when you consider one only has about 48 in a weekend, a third of which are asleep.

So, I invited the most reasonable bidder into my home on Friday to survey the lot & debrief me on the services offered. When I called the guy who owns the company to schedule the appointment, I had one of those female instincts kick in that I ought to have another person here when he arrived. He had what sounded like a perverted laugh, and I wasn’t about to be caught solo for a “cleaning evaluation.” So naturally I roped the Realtor in. Hallie arrived a few moments early, saying she would just ask him a few questions because she didn’t want me to get screwed (this is why I asked for her). She also said that guys like this who service hundreds of houses should make me run for the hills.

When Jeff arrived, I let him inside, introduced my friend Hallie (again, likely thought we were a duo), and walked the periphery of the house. It wasn’t long before Hallie had him backed into a corner of the upstairs bedroom, interrogating him like a fugitive. At first, it sounded innocent.

Do you carry insurance?
Yes
What exact types of insurance you carry?
I mean, I can bring the paperwork, the two major kinds…
What happens if Suzie slips down the stairs and hurts herself- are you paying for that? 
I have workers comp
Where do you find these women?
Mostly through referrals
Do they have their green cards?
Yes
Did you check that for sure?
Yes…
Do you hire anyone with a criminal record?
No…
How do we ensure they don’t use something stupid like kerosene on the brand new hardwood floors and ruin them?
They actually can’t use any materials we don’t provide them with, so they won’t have kerosene
How do we ensure they don’t get bleach on the shower curtains or towels?
Well, that’s happened only once. Everything we use is green besides bleach, but we replaced the towels
How do we ensure they don’t run off with stuff or get sticky fingers?
I trust these ladies. If they were to steal, I would have known it by now because they would be repeat offenders.
How many theft incidents have you had reported in the last year?
Five
OMG!
In four cases, the homeowner found the goods they misplaced. There was just one that was never found.
Are we talking computers or iphones here?
They didn’t do it…but a laptop
How do you get into the house?
We usually get a copy of your key and store it in a safe in my office. On the day of the cleaning, I check it out to the team and they return it to me the same day
How do we ensure they don’t take the key and run by Lowe’s to make 20 copies before they get here?
Ummm, we’ve never had that happen
Are there any males on staff?
Just me
We need to make sure there isn’t any hanky panky going on in the guest bedrooms.
No hanky panky. We have had a homeowner though, who liked to get naked in front of the ladies.

He left. I closed the door. Hallie turned to look at me and said, “well, I think he’s good.”

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